Why Am I a People Pleaser?

One thing I had been struggling with lately is how not to be a people pleaser. Growing up I received the same messages a lot of other brown girls did: you should always be amiable to other's wishes, your brother/father/husband is more important than you, and you should never say no - especially to someone older than you.

These messages together left me always looking for and needing someone's approval to be okay. Whether it be at work and trying to be a good employee, so my boss noticed me, or at home with giving in to my son's tantrum because I don't want him to be mad at me. Receiving a nod of approval has been closely tied to my self-esteem and self-worth, so if I don't get it, I feel like I'm a disappointment and feel shame.

Unlearning this and detaching my self-worth from other's approval and opinions has been quite the struggle. I had a hard time setting boundaries because I wasn’t encouraged to speak up for myself when I was younger. Instead, NOT speaking up and going with the general consensus of the family was more important. The underlying message (whether intentional or not) I received was "you don't matter." Taking up space (that I deserve) was hard because of this message. It was more important for me to not be an inconvenience to others, than it was to stand firm where I am and force others make space for me.

And now that I have been working on myself and learning how to set strong and purposeful boundaries, I find that in some instances I still question myself – am I overcorrecting? I thought I had gotten a little "trigger happy" with setting boundaries and had been using them to keep myself safe from other's opinions/bullshit/drama etc. But then, I realized the worst part of all of this is feeling like setting a boundary with family members is nearly impossible due to the collective mentality of Brown culture: Family > Everyone, including myself.

The issue I have been running into is when I continue forward the Family > Everyone mentality, I notice that not everyone in my own family feels or acts the same, especially my brothers. This blog isn't about gender disparity in Brown culture (though you'll see one soon about this), but I have noticed it is far easier for them to put their needs first than it for me and my younger sister.

How do I set my boundary with them, my family, who I have been conditioned to believe are more important than myself? And how do I know if that boundary was successful in keeping me safe? Who in my family can I set boundaries with? And most importantly, how do I behave clearly and set a boundary without being disrespectful?

The way I answered the above questions for myself was found in my own therapy sessions. I began putting my needs and wants first, and when my boundary was pushed - I doubled down. I tried making my family/boss/husband/friend understand why I need to maintain the boundary I was setting in the most respectful way possible as a nod to my culture.

The way I knew it worked, was my mental health began to improve. I no longer felt helpless and stuck in old family dynamics and patterns. I realized I have more control than I thought over myself and my situation. And lastly, I realized "I MATTER.”

So, to the other brown women out there, fight for your right to protect yourself – even from family. Stand firm in your position when you feel like your boundaries are being pushed against. Be stubborn. Be open about why you are setting the boundary. And finally, understand people's reactions to your boundaries are more about them than you.

And if you need help with this, let’s meet.

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